What’s for Dinner? (Transcript)

00:00:44 Irving: All right, Radar. Okay, come on. Let’s go.

00:05:25 Mark: Going good? Helly: Yep.

00:05:26 Mark: Yeah?

00:05:29 Mark: Think you’ll have it by… Helly: I’ll get there.

00:05:54 Dylan: She’s not gonna make it, is she? Mark: You should be at your desks.

00:05:57 Dylan: We’ve both been done a week. What is there to do?

00:05:59 Dylan: Is she gonna make it? Mark: She’s gonna make it.

00:06:01 Irving: Mark.

00:06:02 Mark: Yes?

00:06:03 Irving: Don’t laugh. Mark: At?

00:06:06 Irving: I just wonder if it might be helpful for us to stand behind her and perhaps chant her name.

00:06:15 Mark: Okay. She’ll make it. Just let her focus.

00:06:28 Cobel: How’s she doing?

00:06:30 Milchick: Gonna be down to the wire.

00:06:38 Cobel: She’ll make it.

00:06:40 Cobel: Let’s prep for when she makes it.

00:06:48 Cobel: Oh. And I want to schedule a end-of-the quarter wellness session for Mark…one last time.

00:06:57 Milchick: Really?

00:07:04 Cobel: Seth. I know that this has been a trying quarter, and you have availed yourself well. Mr. Graner sits with Kier now, and I imagine they’re both very satisfied with you.

00:07:52 Helly: Hey.

00:07:55 Mark: Did you…

00:07:57 Helly: I think I did.

00:08:13 Dylan: She do it? Mark: She did it!

00:08:17 Dylan: Fuck and yes.

00:08:19 Irving: Oh, my goodness.

00:08:41 Kier Eagan: I knew you could do it, Helly R. Even in your darkest moments, I could see you arriving here. In refining your macrodata file, you have brought glory to this company and to me. Kier Eagan. I… I love you. But now I must away, for there are others who need me around the world. Goodbye, Helly.R, and thank you.

00:09:26 Dylan: Boom! That’s quota. We did it.

00:09:30 Mark: Good work.

00:09:36 Irving: So it’s on now?

00:09:53 Cobel: Oh, Mark. I don’t know how you knew for the end of the quarter I wanted a heart attack.

00:10:02 Mark: Well, we made it, despite a staffing shake-up.

00:10:05 Cobel: Yes, and spending half of your time farting around the halls. Still, yes. You made it. Have you decided who you want to stay for the Waffle Party?

00:10:16 Mark: I was thinking Dylan.

00:10:21 Cobel: You know you can choose yourself or anyone but Dylan.

00:10:25 Mark: Yeah, but it’s more his thing, and he really worked hard.

00:10:37 Cobel: Well, I’ll make the arrangements.

00:10:39 Mark: Great. Cobel: But before you celebrate, I’d like you to drop by Wellness.

00:10:43 Mark: Really?

00:10:44 Cobel: Yes. I’m having all department heads do it end-of-quarter. With all this stress, and Mr. Graner retiring and everything.

00:10:54 Mark: Of course.

00:11:01 Cobel: Mark, all sarcasm aside…

00:11:04 Mark: Yeah.

00:11:07 Cobel: Thank you.

00:11:10 Cobel: I…Lumon needed this.

00:11:26 Ms. Casey: Mark.

00:11:29 Mark: Ms. Casey.

00:11:38 Mark: Where’d the tree go?

00:11:43 Ms. Casey: You can have a seat.

00:11:49 Mark: Why’s everything in boxes?

00:11:53 Ms. Casey: Evidently Lumon’s been blessed with a new wellness director. So I’ll be retiring at the conclusion of this session, and the room is…

00:12:01 Mark: What? Wait. When did they tell you?

00:12:07 Ms. Casey: Just now. Just a moment ago.

00:12:30 Ms. Casey: Mark S., you have successfully led your department, Macrodata Refinement, to meet their quarterly quota, and are thus eligible for this special, augmented wellness session.

00:12:44 Mark: I didn’t think you’d get fired.

00:12:49 Ms. Casey: “Your Outie is kind. Your Outie has brightened people’s days by merely smiling. Your Outie makes time for people, even when…

00:13:02 Mark: Hey, let me talk to somebody.

00:13:16 Ms. Casey: I really liked being in the office with you all that day.

00:13:22 Ms. Casey: I know I vexed you. I know I’m… strange.

00:13:27 Mark: No, you’re not strange.

00:13:31 Ms. Casey: My life has been 107 hours long. Most of that has been these half-hour sessions.

00:13:39 Ms. Casey: For me, my favorite time was the eight hours I spent in your department watching Helly. It’s the longest I’ve ever been awake. I suppose it’s what you could call my good old days.

00:14:04 Mark: There must be something we can do.

00:14:16 Ms. Casey: Why do you care what happens to me?

00:14:31 Mark: Because we’re people, not parts of people.

00:14:36 Mark: Even with what little they gave us, these are our lives.

00:14:40 Mark: No one gets to just turn you off.

00:14:48 Ms. Casey: You’re nice, Mark.

00:15:07 Ms. Casey: “Your Outie is kind. Your Outie can set up a tent in under three minutes. Your Outie knows a beautiful rock from a plain one. Your Outie likes giving…

00:15:27 Milchick: You know it’s good, right? That they don’t remember each other?

00:15:34 Milchick: It means the chips work. It’s a win.

00:15:43 Cobel: Take her back down to the testing floor, please.

00:16:45 Ms. Casey: Do you know if I’m happy up there?

00:16:50 Milchick: Of course. You do all sorts of wonderful things.

00:17:12 Ms. Casey: Could I just… Milchick: I’m sorry.

00:17:15 Milchick: I just have so much to do today.

00:17:17 Milchick: On you go.

00:17:58 Helly: Mark. Irving: Where were you?

00:18:00 Mark: They gave me a wellness check.

00:18:03 Mark: Okay. You’re all set for the waffle party.

00:18:06 Dylan: How’s Ms. Casey? I mean, I’m over her, but I still wanna be friends.

00:18:12 Mark: They fired her. Dylan: What?

00:18:14 Mark: Yeah. She just found out.

00:18:15 Helly: Well, can we help her? Is there anything we can do?

00:18:18 Mark: I don’t know.

00:18:22 Mark: Is everyone sure they wanna do this?

00:18:25 Milchick: Any Macrodats ready to party?

00:18:28 Mark: Yeah.

00:18:33 Milchick: Dylan G.’s waffle party will commence at close of day. In the meantime, I’ve ordered the pre-Waffle Party egg bar social for everyone.

00:18:42 Dylan: Yes! Pay dirt! Yeah!

00:18:45 Milchick: All of you deserve this for reaching quota.

00:18:49 Milchick: But before we begin…a very special gift for a very special Dylan.

00:18:58 Milchick: Our three-time R of the Q! A man whose mind is as sharp as his incisors.

00:19:05 Milchick: Right, bud?

00:19:14 Helly: Open it.

00:19:15 Dylan: Yeah, I bet you’d like that, fuckers. But my prize, my eyes, so…

00:19:19 Milchick: Maybe you should show them, Dylan. Show them what you requested.

00:19:25 Mark: Yeah, show us, man.

00:19:27 Dylan: Fine.

00:19:41 Milchick: Okay, yeah. Let’s switch up the vibe in here.

00:19:50 Mark: Good?

00:20:13 Helly: Jesus, this is actually good.

00:20:16 Dylan: Yeah, the egg bar is coveted as fuck.

00:20:27 Milchick: Look at this thing over here. Looking good.

00:20:39 Helly: I should be the one to stay behind.

00:20:41 Dylan: Nope.

00:20:44 Helly: Don’t you wanna see your kid again?

00:20:47 Dylan: What we’re doing tonight is just the first step.

00:20:54 Helly: Are you sure?

00:21:23 Natalie: Helly R. attempted suicide three weeks ago.

00:21:28 Cobel: Yes, she did.

00:21:32 Natalie: How could you not tell us?

00:21:36 Cobel: Did Milchick give you those?

00:21:39 Natalie: Answer the question.

00:21:43 Cobel: Am I speaking with the Board?

00:21:47 Natalie: We also know that you’ve been spending time at the home of Mark Scout’s sister.

00:21:55 Cobel: Right.

00:21:57 Natalie: It has been decided that you be suspended from your position, effective immediately. You are fired.

00:22:07 Cobel: Go—

00:22:10 Cobel: Oh, fuck off, Natalie! Is the Board even there?

00:22:22 The Board: Yes.

00:22:33 Cobel: I’m sorry. That was rude.

00:22:36 Cobel: I can explain everything to the Board tonight, please.

00:22:44 Natalie: The Board has concluded the call.

00:23:22 Irving: “Endow in each swing of your ax or swipe of your pen the sum of your affections, that through me they may be purified and returned. No higher purpose may be found than this. Nor any… higher love.”

00:24:18 Helly: I figured it out. The goats lay the eggs.

00:24:22 Mark: Oh, my God. You got it!

00:24:39 Helly: You scared about tonight?

00:24:44 Mark: Yeah. I’m scared of getting caught.

00:24:55 Helly: They left us unattended, and thought we’d be too dumb to notice. They won’t see this coming.

00:25:05 Mark: Or we won’t wake up.

00:25:17 Mark: Or we’re all assholes out there.

00:25:20 Helly: Well, that’s a given for me.

00:25:26 Mark: You know, I just hope it turns out I have things I care about. Like, for real.

00:25:35 Helly: You pretended to care about me pretty well.

00:25:43 Mark: You’re easy to pretend to care about.

00:25:53 Helly: Thank you. As are you.

00:25:58 Mark: Thanks.

00:26:03 Milchick: Okay, Refiners!

00:26:05 Milchick: I need to see about a management issue, and this party is over.

00:26:09 Milchick: I’ll leave the food.

00:26:11 Irving: Thank you, Mr. Milchick.

00:26:13 Milchick: Dylan, I’ll be back to escort you to Perpetuity shortly.

00:26:53 Milchick: Key card.

00:27:10 Milchick: On you go then.

00:27:34 Mark: Okay, look, you don’t mess with any other departments.

00:27:37 Mark: It’s just us three. Dylan: I know.

00:27:39 Helly: The machine’s designed to be operated by two—

00:27:41 Dylan: Two people. I’ll be fine. Can I have the stuff, please?

00:27:51 Mark: Now, look, it’s likely we’ll all wake up around people. Could be driving or skiing, whatever we do up there. So be ready for anything as you go up the elevator. Okay?

00:28:01 Mark: The important thing is you find someone it seems you can trust, and you tell them everything.

00:28:07 Helly: And we don’t know how long Dylan will be able to give us, so we can’t get distracted digging into our lives.

00:28:11 Irving: Right. The mission is the priority.

00:28:20 Mark: I probably should’ve told you guys…

00:28:27 Mark: But I kept this. And there was a part of it that— Well…

00:28:42 Mark: “Our job… is to taste free air.” Your so-called boss may own the clock that taunts you from the wall.

00:28:54 Mark: But, my…” Dylan: “But, my friends, the hour is yours.”

00:29:02 Dylan: Page 197 slaps.

00:29:20 Irving: Okay, kids. Let’s find out what’s for dinner.

00:29:34 Helly: You think we’re about to meet our spouses?

00:29:37 Mark: Maybe.

00:29:39 Helly: Maybe it’s each other. That’d be a hoot.

00:29:43 Mark: Yeah.

00:29:45 Mark: Yeah, like, mid-argument over car wash coupons.

00:29:50 Helly: “Honey, you’re cutting them wrong!”

00:30:00 Helly: Okay. Mark: All right.

00:30:26 Helly: In case we don’t come back. Or, I don’t know, in case we do?

00:30:31 Mark: Right.

00:30:39 Helly: Good luck out there, boss.

00:31:11 Dylan: “Type. Trackball. Type. Flip. Trackball. Enter. Shift. Enter.” Okay.

00:31:22 Milchick: Are you ready, Dylan G.?

00:31:28 Milchick: Dylan G.?

00:31:30 Dylan: I’ll be out in a minute!

00:31:31 Dylan: “Select, flip….”

00:32:35 Milchick: Enjoy.

00:33:40 Cobel: Fuck her goddamn soul forever into hell! Filth and fucking fire until she fucking dies! Fuck her and her fucking fake smile!

00:33:55 Cobel: Oh, God. Fuck her goddamn soul!

00:36:10 Cobel: No.

00:36:25 Cobel: Why?

00:37:32 Cobel: Mark.

00:37:35 Mark: Hi, Mrs. Selvig. Sorry to just pop over…

00:37:37 Cobel: Yes? What is it?

00:37:40 Mark: Well, I’m headed to Devon and Ricken’s.

00:37:43 Mark: They have that party tonight. Cobel: And?

00:37:45 Mark: Well, Devon asked me to double-check, see if you’re interested in coming.

00:37:52 Cobel: I am sorry, Mark. I’m just… I’m not feeling quite myself this evening.

00:37:58 Mark: Oh, no. I get it. I mean, it’s not a funeral. So…

00:38:10 Cobel: You know, maybe I could drive my own car.

00:38:14 Mark: Yes!

00:38:16 Cobel: And that way I could leave if I’m uncomfortable or afraid.

00:38:19 Mark: Sure, yeah. That sounds great.

00:38:30 Irving: Hey. Did you miss me?

00:39:19 Ricken: The elusive Mark. Mark: Never thought of myself as elusive.

00:39:24 Ricken: Welcome. Welcome.

00:39:26 Ricken: Okay. The reading starts in eight minutes. Mark, you’ve got your copy to follow along, yes?

00:39:34 Mark: I… You know, I think I left it by my bed.

00:39:40 Ricken: Shoot. Really?

00:39:42 Ricken: Okay, shoot! Mark: Indeed. Yeah, I’m sorry.

00:39:44 Ricken: And it’s a 15-minute drive back, so you could still catch…You know what? It’s fine.

00:39:49 Ricken: Unless you want to. Mark: Well…

00:39:51 Devon: My friends.

00:39:52 Mark: Hey. Devon: Hi.

00:39:53 Ricken: Baby’s first party for Daddy.

00:39:56 Mark: Look, she’s so drunk.

00:39:57 Devon: So, there is so much food in there.

00:39:59 Ricken: Rebeck! She may be willing to share her copy with you. But I should ask her directly, or she might be offended.

00:40:06 Ricken: Excuse me. Mark & Devon: Okay.

00:40:09 Mark: He is on it. Devon: I know.

00:40:12 Devon: Sister and brother. Mark: Alone at last.

00:40:13 Devon: Gross. Hey, do you wanna give me your coat?

00:40:17 Mark: This is nice.

00:40:18 Devon: Yeah? Mark: Yeah.

00:40:20 Mark: You’re a good wife and mother and stuff. Devon: Thanks.

00:40:24 Devon: Oh, yeah. All glory unto Devon.

00:40:27 Mark: Yeah, all glory, and screw you.

00:40:29 Mark: Hey, we should talk later. Devon: Yeah?

00:40:31 Mark: Yeah. I’ve been pondering a decently-sized life change.

00:40:35 Devon: Uh-oh.

00:40:36 Devon: Well, I gotta float around and host, but thank you for being here.

00:40:39 Mark: Yeah, of course. Yeah. Devon: Come here.

00:40:44 Cobel: Watch for leakies, Mark.

00:40:45 Devon: Hi, Mrs. Selvig.

00:41:19 Cobel: But, Mark,

00:41:21 Cobel: I am sorry I was so terse before.

00:41:24 Mark: Oh, no, no, no.

00:41:27 Cobel: I just had a bad day at the shop.

00:41:30 Mark: Well, I’m sorry to hear that. But it’s… Glad you’re here now.

00:41:36 Cobel: Yeah.

00:41:38 Mark: Work’s just work, right?

00:41:45 Cobel: Yes.

00:42:23 Dylan: Okay.

00:42:27 Dylan: Okay, “Trackball, track… Flip timing switch. Type in. Trackball.”

00:42:33 Dylan: Okay, so this is…Where’s… Where’s MDR?

00:42:39 Dylan: Shift.

00:42:45 Dylan: Manage. Confirm. Okay.

00:42:55 Dylan: That’s…

00:43:00 Dylan: “Function.” Boom.

00:43:07 Dylan: Okay. Helly R.

00:43:13 Dylan: Come on. Come on. Come on.

00:43:15 Dylan: Mark. All right. Irving.

00:43:43 Dylan: Fuck.

00:43:45 Dylan: Okay, “flip.” Irving, Helly, Mark.

00:43:54 Mark: Well, anyway, I should probabl…

00:43:55 Cobel: I don’t mean to be nosy, but… Mark: No, no.

00:43:57 Cobel: …I heard you say to Devon something about a life change?

00:44:05 Mark: Well, I was gonna have a talk with her about my job actually.

00:44:11 Cobel: At Lumon?

00:44:12 Mark: Yeah.

00:44:14 Mark: I was gonna tell her that I’m thinking I might quit.

00:44:20 Cobel: Quit?

00:44:25 Dylan: “Beehive.”

00:44:29 Dylan: “Lullaby, Open House, Overtime.” Yes.

00:44:32 Cobel: Are you serious?

00:44:34 Mark: Yeah. I just…

00:44:37 Mark: This severance thing, it… Not sure I need it anymore.

00:44:56 Dylan: Okay.

00:44:59 Dylan: “Now find… A.”

00:45:05 Dylan: Great.

00:45:06 Cobel: Do it.

00:45:08 Cobel: Shit.

00:45:12 Dylan: Come on.

00:45:14 Cobel: Get away from them, Mark.

00:45:25 Dylan: Come here.