Half Loop (Transcript)

00:00:02 Helly: I acknowledge that, henceforth, my access to my memories will be spatially dictated. I will be unable to access outside recollections whilst on Lumon’s severed basement floor, nor retain work memories upon my ascent. I am aware that this alteration is comprehensive and irreversible. I make these statements freely.

00:00:30 Milchick: Okay, that’s a wrap. Come with me, please.

00:00:44 Milchick: So, your work personage will be waking in a few hours on the severed floor. But the next time you yourself will be sentient will be this evening, in the elevator back up.

00:00:53 Helly: Okay.

00:00:54 Milchick: The elevator has a handrail at hip-level if you feel dizzy.

00:00:58 Milchick: Oh, man. I love seeing the sunrise on his face.

00:01:06 Milchick: You know he used to drink three raw eggs in milk each morning?

00:01:09 Helly: I’ve heard.

00:01:10 Milchick: His favorite breakfast.

00:01:12 Milchick: We’ll get you prepped in here.

00:01:15 Milchick: Good morning, Lawrence. Lawrence: Good morning.

00:01:43 Helly: They say it doesn’t hurt.

00:01:50 Milchick: Just relax.

00:02:07 Milchick: Little vibration now.

00:02:47 Milchick: I’ll be upstairs after to let you know how it went.

00:02:51 Helly: Sorry if I freak out on you a little.

00:02:55 Milchick: Don’t worry. I’m very excited to meet you.

00:03:40 Milchick: Hey, Helly.

00:03:42 Helly: Woah, what’s happening?

00:03:44 Milchick: Great to see you.

00:03:46 Milchick: Your orientation’s been so much fun.

00:03:51 Helly: Uh, where am I?

00:03:52 Milchick: Okay, so sometimes when a new hire is adjusting to a severed space, we help by bringing them here to the stairwell, to experience the transition viscerally.

00:04:01 Helly: Oh, no. I’m trying to leave?

00:04:03 Milchick: No, no. It’s all part of the process. If you wanna spin around and head back in, that should be that.

00:04:13 Milchick: Hey, there.

00:04:17 Helly: What the hell? Milchick: That’s okay. Not a problem. Wanna give it another shot? Maybe with a little oomph?

00:04:31 Milchick: Hi. I’m at the stairwell. It’s going fair. No, she’s…

00:04:39 Helly: Fuck!

00:04:41 Milchick: I’ma call you back.

00:04:45 Milchick: Wow. You’re an inquisitive one.

00:04:51 Helly: I don’t wanna be in there, do I?

00:04:52 Milchick: You’re learning that you do. Hey, when we heard you were coming here, it was like a miracle. It’s amazing what you’re doing.

00:05:24 Milchick: Hey, old-timer! One day down.

00:08:42 Helly: Hey.

00:08:44 Mark: Hey.

00:08:45 Helly: So it’s tomorrow now?

00:08:47 Mark: Uh, yeah. Well, it’s Monday.

00:08:51 Helly: A weekend just happened? Mark: Yeah.

00:08:53 Helly: I don’t even feel like I left.

00:08:54 Mark: Yeah, that’s how nights and weekends feel here.

00:08:58 Helly: Like nothing?

00:08:59 Mark: Well, you get used to it. I mean, I find it helps to focus on the effects of sleep since we don’t actually get to experience it. You may feel rejuvenated or happy. Less tense in the shoulders. Spry.

00:09:14 Helly: So it’s 09:05?

00:09:16 Mark: Yeah, they stagger the entries too so we don’t meet on the outside. It’s important apparently.

00:09:23 Helly: So I guess we’re not friends.

00:09:26 Mark: Guess not.

00:09:32 Dylan: My current file’s called “Tumwater”… which I started some 11 weeks back. “Tumwater.” All one word.

00:09:37 Helly: Should I be taking notes?

00:09:39 Mark: No. Dylan: I’ve got it 96% sorted, which means I’ve earned four of the five tier incentives, including the erasers and the finger traps that you see displayed here. 100% is tier five. That gets you a caricature portrait. You’ll note I’ve accrued an embarrassment of wealth in that regard.

00:09:57 Helly: Wow. Dylan: Correct.

00:09:58 Dylan: Each one of these? Finished file in the can.

00:10:01 Helly: So that’s the highest award?

00:10:03 Dylan: Percentage-wise, yes. But if we hit our numbers by quarter’s end, one of us gets named refiner of the quarter, and that shit gets you a waffle party.

00:10:11 Helly: I’m sorry, a waffle party?

00:10:12 Dylan: Okay, hazards on, eager lemur. I’m a dead lock for that this quarter, so don’t get your hopes up.

00:10:20 Helly: What about Mark’s crystal head cube?

00:10:22 Dylan: That’s not a prize, that’s just something they gave him.

00:10:25 Mark: Helly, could you flip on this console?

00:10:44 Mark: Okay.

00:10:48 Mark: That’s… Excuse me.

00:10:56 Irving: Mark, sorry to interrupt. I know you’re training Helly. I just noticed you’ve removed the group photos from the desks.

00:11:02 Mark: Yeah. We’re gonna take the new ones at Helly’s party today.

00:11:07 Irving: Hmm.

00:11:08 Mark: Okay, this is the Siena file. Now, all the data you see falls into one of four essential categories. And we group each line of code, and then sort it evenly between five digital buckets.

00:11:24 Helly: Party.

00:11:25 Mark: Just poke around first. Use the arrows.

00:11:27 Irving: I do think the old photos are supposed to stay on the desk until the new ones come in.

00:11:39 Mark: Right.

00:11:41 Helly: Should this mean something to me? Mark: No.

00:11:43 Mark: No, all the data comes from upstairs fully encoded.

00:11:47 Helly: Then how do I categorize it?

00:11:51 Helly: What?

00:11:53 Mark: Each category of numbers presents in such an order as to elicit an emotional response in the refiner. So, Cat 1 numbers, for example, feel a certain way on sight. They’ll be sort of disconcerting, scary.

00:12:10 Helly: Scary?

00:12:11 Mark: I know.

00:12:13 Helly: My job is to scroll through this spreadsheet and look for numbers that are scary?

00:12:16 Dylan: It sounds dumb, and Mark said it dumb.

00:12:19 Helly: Are the numbers bloody? Do they chant?

00:12:22 Mark: It doesn’t make sense till you see it, and it takes a while to see.

00:12:24 Irving: Hey, Mark. I just printed out the passage of the handbook on changing out group photos. Just might be good to peruse when you’re between things.

00:12:32 Mark: Thank you. Irving: Sorry.

00:12:37 Helly: Am I trapped here?

00:12:41 Mark: In what way?

00:12:42 Helly: Like if it turns out I hate this and I want to quit, is that an option?

00:12:50 Mark: Look. If you’re really unhappy, you can submit a resignation request with your outside self for review.

00:12:58 Dylan: And good luck getting that approved.

00:13:00 Mark: Well, they do tend to be rejected. Plus, you know…

00:13:05 Helly: What?

00:13:07 Mark: Well, since this perceptual version of you only exists at Lumon, I mean, quitting would effectively end your life. I mean, in so much as you’ve come to know it.

00:13:19 Milchick: Hello, Refiners.

00:13:21 Dylan: Sweet. Melon bar.

00:13:23 Irving: Hi, Mr. Milchick.

00:13:24 Milchick: Helly, welcome.

00:13:27 Milchick: I’m agog at how well I can tell you’re already fitting in. The office feels whole. Now, let’s get this party started.

00:13:44 Irving: Well, my name is Irving, as you all know. And I’ve worked here for three years, and something about me is that I know all nine core Lumon principles.

00:13:55 Milchick: Awesome. What’s your favorite?

00:14:00 Irving: All nine. But today, I think I’d say, “cheer”.

00:14:06 Milchick: Great.

00:14:12 Milchick: No trust fall today, Irv.

00:14:16 Irving: Right.

00:14:26 Helly: No. No.

00:14:35 Helly: Hello, I’m Helly. I’ve been at Lumon for, like…ten hours total, and…

00:14:44 Helly: I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about myself.

00:14:47 Milchick: Sure you do, Helly.

00:14:50 Helly: I really don’t. I guess I went home last night, but I don’t know if home is a house, or an apartment, or if I live with a family…

00:14:57 Dylan: I like to think my Outie lives on, like, a riverboat.

00:15:02 Helly: I’m sorry, Outies are…

00:15:03 Mark: They’re us on the outside.

00:15:06 Milchick: You saw yours yesterday in the video.

00:15:08 Helly: Right. I actually have a few things to say to her. Can I record something back?

00:15:14 Milchick: So, what you’ll find here is that communication between selves is pretty curtailed.

00:15:18 Helly: So, what if I write her a note?

00:15:20 Milchick: Fortunately, the elevators are equipped with something called “code detectors.” So messages can’t be passed through.

00:15:27 Mark: Yeah… They’re like metal detectors for written symbols. A Lumon original, apparently.

00:15:31 Milchick: That’s right. Right.

00:15:33 Helly: Sure. Okay, well what if I…

00:15:34 Milchick: I don’t think you’re quite getting the game here, Helly. May I?

00:15:42 Milchick: Guys, this is Helly. She’s thirty years old, she’s allergic to almonds and has weak enamel. At 5′6″, she’s the fourth tallest person in your office, and her hair is what we call shoulder-length. And seeing her here with you all, I’d say she most definitely has a family.

00:16:06 Mark: Wow. Well, that’s a lot to follow. So, I’ll just say that I’m Mark. Been with Lumon about two years, and I absolutely love this game.

00:16:20 Milchick: Nice try, pal, but you said that last time.

00:16:24 Mark: Fair enough. Well, I…I broke protocol this morning.

00:16:43 Mark: I was dusting the old group photos, the ones with Petey, and it just…made me feel sad. And, I guess, worried that I won’t be able to run MDR like he did.

00:17:00 Dylan: That tracks. I have similar worries.

00:17:03 Mark: So I…took ’em from the cubicles and put ’em in the storage closet, which we’re not supposed to do.

00:17:13 Irving: I recall this. I objected.

00:17:19 Milchick: Thank you for telling me, Mark. I actually find your reaction sweet. Though, it is puzzling you have an outburst like this for Petey, and not for, say, Carol D.

00:17:33 Mark: But we knew Carol D. was leaving beforehand. I mean, her Outie filmed a thank-you. Petey was just gone.

00:17:43 Mark: And I mean, I… I don’t know if he’s at some new job or drunk on a beach, or dead…

00:17:51 Milchick: That’s enough, please.

00:18:02 Milchick: I think this is a good time to remind ourselves that things like deaths happen outside of here. Not here. A life at Lumon is protected from such things. And I think a great potential response to that from all of you is gratitude.

00:18:30 Milchick: I also think that melon isn’t getting any tastier.

00:19:08 Mark: Hey, sorry I derailed your game.

00:19:11 Helly: I thought I already had, but then, yeah, you made it way worse.

00:19:18 Helly: So, how are you gonna figure out if Petey’s okay?

00:19:20 Mark: I think Milchick was pretty clear.

00:19:24 Helly: You’re just done asking about your best friend because our babysitter told you to stop?

00:19:30 Mark: You know, Milchick’s a nice man. When he says something, it’s best to listen.

00:19:35 Helly: I don’t care. Mark: ’Cause he can’t always be nice like that.

00:19:38 Milchick: Okay, Refiners!

00:19:40 Milchick: Let’s get this new group photo before the melon bloat sets in.

00:19:55 Irving: At last.

00:19:59 Milchick: All right. Great big smiles. Remember, you’re gonna be looking at this every day.

00:20:06 Milchick: Say “gratitude.”

00:20:08 Refiners: Gratitude!

00:20:12 Milchick: Say “cheer.”

00:20:14 Refiners: Cheer!

00:20:20 Milchick: Helly? What are you doing?

00:20:22 Helly: I just think I’m not gonna work here anymore. Sorry.

00:20:26 Mark: What do you mean?

00:20:27 Helly: I quit.

00:20:29 Helly: I don’t wanna do the file-sorting thing or the never-seeing-the-sun-thing or the disappearing-friends thing.

00:20:33 Helly: I just don’t want any of it. Mark: We told you there’s code detectors.

00:20:35 Helly: Do you know that? Have you tried? Because frankly, it sounds made-up.

00:20:47 Mark: Helly!

00:20:52 Mark: Helly!

00:21:04 Mark: Please, you don’t know…

00:21:09 Helly: Oh, God. Come on.

00:21:20 Mark: Shit. Mr. Graner?

00:21:26 Graner: Come on out.

00:21:33 Graner: What have we got here?

00:21:38 Graner: Perhaps you’d better come with me.

00:21:39 Mark: Mr. Graner.

00:21:43 Mark: Hey. I see you’ve found my wayward trainee. Appreciate your help, sir, as always.

00:21:53 Mark: The note. So, this is embarrassing, but it’s my first time training, and I must’ve just forgotten to go over data-smuggling rules with Helly.

00:22:05 Mark: Sorry. This is Helly. Helly, Mr. Graner.

00:22:08 Mark: Yeah.

00:22:12 Mark: Yeah, so if Helly tripped the code detectors, that one, it’s on me and I apologize for that, sir. Earnestly.

00:22:22 Graner: Big department chief now, Mark S.?

00:22:24 Mark: Well…

00:22:27 Graner: On you, then. Let’s go.

00:23:46 Cobel: Mark.

00:23:51 Mark: So, you’re a doula?

00:23:53 Alexa: A midwife, actually.

00:23:57 Mark: And how many deliveries have you, I don’t know, seen?

00:24:05 Alexa: Over 300? This is mostly back in Montana.

00:24:09 Mark: Wow. That’s so cool. Alexa: Yeah.

00:24:11 Mark: That’s such a high amount.

00:24:14 Alexa: Yeah. We get two a day. Depending.

00:24:30 Mark: So, is that, like, ten a week? Like, in a five-day work week, or…

00:24:34 Alexa: Yeah, or so. Mark: Yeah. Okay.

00:24:37 Alexa: Are you vetting me for your sister? Mark: No. Oh, no. You seem great.

00:24:41 Alexa: Yeah, I’m kidding. Mark: I know.

00:24:52 Mark: Thank you.

00:24:53 Alexa: So, Lumon?

00:24:57 Mark: Yeah. Alexa: Like half this town.

00:24:59 Mark: And half of me. That was a joke.

00:25:02 Alexa: It was funny.

00:25:04 Mark: Yeah. I’m in the archives division, sort of a corporate historian, apparently. So, a lot of sensitive material, hence the…

00:25:16 Alexa: So, you don’t know…who you work with, or what you do, or… or anything?

00:25:23 Mark: Yeah, that’s the idea.

00:25:25 Alexa: What if you snuck in a note? Mark: You can’t sneak notes.

00:25:27 Alexa: So…

00:25:30 Alexa: you could have a girlfriend at Lumon… Mark: Thank you.

00:25:31 Alexa:…and not know it. And if you met someone out here, you wouldn’t know it in there. Like, you could get married and have kids, and just forget they exist for eight hours every day, for your whole life.

00:25:42 Alexa: That doesn’t mess with your head?

00:25:47 Mark: I think for some people, it’s the point.

00:25:55 Alexa: So, as a local, this just feels like a reasonable temperature to you?

00:25:59 Mark: Well, technically, I’m from Ganz. And you’re one to talk. Isn’t Minnesota, like, crazy cold with the lakes?

00:26:08 Alexa: Yes. Minnesota was very cold the one time I visited from my home in Montana.

00:26:15 Mark: So those are different places.

00:26:20 Alexa: So do you live in Lumon housing?

00:26:23 Mark: You make it sound like dorms or something.

00:26:26 Alexa: No, I just meant that there’s… Mark: I live in Baird Creek.

00:26:28 Mark: And, yes, they happen to be subsidized by the company that employs me.

00:26:33 WMC Activist 1: Excuse me, do you have a moment for children’s brain health?

00:26:35 WMC Activist 2: And legalized severance in the workplace?

00:26:38 Mark: Nice. The WMC’s out and about. Alexa: Who?

00:26:41 WMC Activist 1: Most severed workers don’t see the sun their whole lives.

00:26:44 Mark: The Whole Mind Collective. They’re great.

00:26:46 WMC Activist 1: Excuse me, do you have a moment for children’s brain health?

00:26:49 MAN ON SIDEWALK: We’re all good.

00:26:50 WMC Activist 1: You folks have a moment for children’s brain health?

00:26:52 Mark: We do. WMC Activist 1: Great!

00:26:53 WMC Activist 1: We’re trying to get a measure on the ballot to keep mega-corporations like Lumon from continuing to force legalized severance on our state.

00:26:59 Mark: They’re forcing it now?

00:27:00 WMC Activist 2: That’s what they’re lobbying for. And Jame Eagan is trying to sever kids…

00:27:03 Mark: Okay, well, what about the self-mutilating types who do it willingly? I mean, I heard that some of them are so deluded they don’t even know they’re victims. I also heard that if you’re severed, you go to two separate hells. Is that true?

00:27:17 WMC Activist 1: Hey, man, you wanna benefit off forced labor, that’s up…

00:27:19 Mark: Hey, man. Forced labor? WMC Activist 1: …then that’s up to you.

00:27:22 Mark: Fucking really?

00:27:23 Alexa: Hey! WMC Activist 1: Yeah.

00:27:24 Mark: Forced labor? Okay. WMC Activist 1: Really.

00:27:26 Mark: So people can just, like, self-imprison? Are you captive right now? No, seriously, because your past self chose to walk you down here to be an infantilizing prick to people.

00:27:36 WMC Activist 1: Severance is subjugation, asshole.

00:27:40 Mark: That’s nice language for a… What… What are you? Twelve? Are you 12 years old? Are you even in high school yet?

00:27:49 Mark: Okay. Come on.

00:28:21 Mark: Mrs. Selvig.

00:28:23 Cobel: Peace offering.

00:28:25 Mark: Are we fighting?

00:28:26 Cobel: I just keep thinking about those damn bins.

00:28:30 Mark: Well, that is so not necessary, but very kind. Thank you.

00:28:38 Mark: Here, why don’t you come in? I have milk.

00:28:41 Cobel: Why, thank you! Mark: Yeah.

00:28:46 Cobel: I’m experimenting with chamomile, so no hard feelings if you gag.

00:28:49 Mark: I’m sure I won’t.

00:28:54 Cobel: Still waiting for that third bulb to revive itself?

00:28:58 Mark: Oh, yeah. Keep forgetting to change that.

00:29:01 Cobel: My, you smell nice. Were you on a date?

00:29:05 Mark: Sort of. My sister set me up with, like, her doula, or midwife. Didn’t really feel like anything.

00:29:19 Mark: Well, let’s see here. I’ll…

00:29:32 Mark: Wow. This i… These are magic.

00:29:39 Cobel: My late husband was a carpenter, and before he passed, he said he would start building us a house in the hereafter. And there would be a small guest apartment in the back, in case I found a new man before I got there.

00:29:58 Mark: That’s… so sweet.

00:30:02 Cobel: Yes. He even drew blueprints, which I keep in my purse.

00:30:13 Cobel: Well, come by the shop, okay? I’ll give you a mugwort bath bomb that’ll make you sleep like a rag doll.

00:30:19 Mark: I’ll try to get down there. Good night, Mrs. Selvig.

00:31:19 Television: The nerve, my new partner’s a woman.

00:31:22 Television: I just think you could’ve mentioned it sooner.

00:31:24 Television: You’d better be on the stakeout and not… out for a steak.

00:32:28 Milchick: Seth Milchick, Lumon Industries.

00:32:30 Mark: Mr. Milchick, it’s Mark Scout. I’m a severed worker. Employee number 4502.

00:32:36 Milchick: Mr. Scout, what a pleasure. How can I help you?

00:32:39 Mark: I actually woke up not feeling terribly well. I’m sorry I’m just now calling.

00:32:44 Milchick: Oh, no. May I ask how serious it is?

00:32:47 Mark: Well, nothing bad, just very minor stomach event. Should be back tomorrow.

00:32:54 Milchick: Well, I’m sorry. I know your Innie will be sad to have missed the day. You feel better. Okay, Mr. Scout?

00:33:07 Irving: Where’s Mark? Dylan: Missed you too.

00:33:10 Irving: He should be coming down first now. You don’t think that…

00:33:13 Dylan: He’s probably sick. They wouldn’t bounce him and Petey the same week.

00:33:16 Irving: I certainly hope not. Quarterly deadline’s coming up, and I’m not looking to be department chief.

00:33:21 Dylan: Wow. Lot a confidence for a man who once got disciplined for dozing.

00:33:27 Dylan: Sorry. That was…

00:33:32 Irving: I can’t help that I was hired older than you.

00:33:37 Helly: It just never stops, huh?

00:33:39 Dylan: Endless toil.

00:33:42 Helly: Where’s Mark?

00:33:43 Dylan: Sick or fired. Probably sick.

00:33:46 Helly: They wouldn’t have fired him for my note thing, would they?

00:33:48 Dylan: No. No way. He did his stint in the break room yesterday.

00:33:55 Milchick: He said he was ill.

00:33:56 Cobel: Did he sound ill?

00:33:58 Milchick: I don’t know. He said it was abdominal.

00:34:02 Graner: Funny timing.

00:34:44 Dylan: The erasers are mostly decorative, since we don’t have pencils.

00:34:48 Dylan: Finger trap is fun, as long as you know how to use it safely. But it’s really more about what they represent, how far you got in the file.

00:34:54 Helly: But why don’t we always finish the files? Dylan: ’Cause they only keep so long.

00:34:57 Dylan: You know, we finish, on average, one in five files before they expire. Which is better than it used to be before Mark’s freshman fluke.

00:35:05 Helly: What’s a freshman fluke?

00:36:05 Irving: No!

00:36:07 Dylan: Irv?

00:36:11 Irving: I’m… I’m sorry.

00:36:13 Milchick: Irving?

00:37:17 Milchick: We’ll deduct the time you spent dozing from your Outie’s paycheck. What will be harder to fix, Irving, is my and Ms. Cobel’s trust in you.

00:37:25 Irving: I’m so sorry, sir. I’m just so sorry.

00:37:28 Milchick: Well, no one is hankering to throw you in the break room. We’ll do a wellness check with Ms. Casey and go from there, all right?

00:37:35 Irving: Thank you, Mr. Milchick.

00:37:59 Helly: Nothing scary yet.

00:38:09 Helly: Oh, God! A four!

00:38:11 Dylan: Don’t fuck around. I told you, you’ll understand when you see it, so just be patient.

00:38:16 Helly: What even are these numbers? Like, do we even know what we’re supposedly cleaning?

00:38:23 Dylan: My theory? The sea.

00:38:29 Helly: The sea?

00:38:30 Dylan: Yeah. Think about it. Okay, if our Outies are up there severing their brains, shit must have gotten pretty bad. Famine, plagues, et cetera. So what is a desperate humanity to do?

00:38:46 Helly: Populate the sea?

00:38:47 Dylan: Populate the sea. But first, they gotta send probes down to the sea to clean up all the deadly eels and shit, ’cause we can’t cohabitate with that. So, we send the probes down, they send us the data coded, we sense what’s eels, and then we tell the probes what to blow up.

00:39:08 Helly: This is the leading theory?

00:39:11 Dylan: Nah, Irv thinks we’re cutting swear words out of movies.

00:39:18 Mark: But what is it? Like, what… what are we actually workin’ on down there?

00:39:24 Petey: I don’t know. I thought without severance it would make more sense, but… They separate us from the other departments. We don’t even know how many there are. But I’ve been reintegrated for two weeks now. I’ve been mapping out the floor. I hid the original for you when I left.

00:40:20 Mark: You okay?

00:40:30 Petey: Sorry. Reintegration sickness.

00:40:36 Mark: Never heard of that one.

00:40:38 Petey: Because I’m the first dipshit that’s ever had it. Plus, living in a cold-ass greenhouse doesn’t help, but I can’t go home.

00:40:49 Mark: Okay, so what is it that happens down there that’s so bad?

00:40:57 Petey: There’s this room…We go in there when we don’t act right.

00:41:15 Mark: What is that?

00:41:23 Milchick (on tape): I’m afraid you’re not sorry.

00:41:26 Mark (on tape): Please. I truly am. I’m sorry.

00:41:30 Milchick (on tape): Please read the statement again.

00:41:33 Mark (on tape): Forgive me for the harm I have caused this world. None may atone for my actions but me, and only in me shall their stain live on. I am thankful to have been caught, my fall cut short by those with wizened hands. All I can be is sorry, and that is all that I am.

00:41:56 Milchick (on tape): I’m afraid you don’t mean it. Again, please.

00:42:02 Mark (on tape): Forgive me for the harm I have caused this world. None may atone for my actions but me.

00:42:15 Mark: The fuck is that?

00:42:19 Petey: That’s the break room.

00:42:53 Burt: I’m… I’m sorry.

00:42:54 Irving: No, I’m sorry, sir.

00:42:56 Burt: I didn’t think anybody was out here. I’m coming out from my session.

00:43:01 Irving: I was just going in. I was admiring the art while I wait.

00:43:07 Burt: That piece hung in the Perpetuity Wing for many years.

00:43:11 Irving: I know. And it broke my heart when they took it down.

00:43:14 Burt: It’s better here. It’s calming.

00:43:20 Irving: I’m Irving. Macrodata Refinement. Are you a department head?

00:43:25 Burt: Well, Optics and Design. A two-person department, so, barely.

00:43:30 Irving: So, this is your work?

00:43:32 Burt: We don’t paint them. We do hang them.

00:43:35 Irving: I loved that you did the Ambrose cycle in the team-building space last quarter. I’d never seen it.

00:43:43 Burt: Well, it’s rare to meet a sophisticate. Most people only think of O&D when new handbook totes come in.

00:43:51 Irving: Well, I love those too.

00:43:53 Burt: Yeah? There’s new ones coming next month. Best design yet, in my view.

00:44:01 Irving: Wow! Well, that’s all I’ll be thinking about until then.

00:44:06 Ms. Casey: Irving?

00:44:45 Ms. Casey: All right, Irving. What I’d like to do is share with you some facts about your Outie. Because your Outie is an exemplary person, these facts should be very pleasing. Just relax your body and be open to the facts. Try to enjoy each equally. These facts are not to be shared outside this room. But for now, they’re yours to enjoy.

00:45:23 Ms. Casey: Your Outie is generous. Your Outie is fond of music and owns many records. Your Outie is a friend to children and to the elderly and the insane. Your Outie is strong and helped someone lift a heavy object. Your Outie attends many dances and is popular among the other attendees. Your Outie likes films and owns a machine that can play them. Your Outie is splendid and can swim gracefully and well.

00:46:10 Ms. Casey: I’m sorry. Please try to enjoy each fact equally, and not show preference for any over the others. That’s ten points off. You have 90 points remaining.

00:46:22 Irving: Points? Ms. Casey: Please don’t speak.

00:46:32 Ms. Casey: Your Outie won a game two weeks ago. Your Outie values water. A photo of your Outie with a trophy was once in a newspaper. Your Outie has no fear of muggers or knaves. Your Outie likes the sound of radar. Your Outie is skilled at kissing and lovemaking.

00:47:05 Ms. Casey: I’m sorry. Please don’t respond to any specific fact. That’s ten points off.

00:47:11 Irving: I was just… Ms. Casey: Please don’t speak further,

00:47:14 Ms. Casey: or all remaining points will be deducted and the wellness session will end.

00:47:35 Irving: Okay.

00:47:57 Helly: Is it just the elevators? Dylan: What?

00:47:59 Helly: With the code detectors. Or is it the stairwells too?

00:48:01 Dylan: Jesus. Stairwells too. Why?

00:48:03 Helly: If no one accepts the resignations, what makes you think they’re being delivered at all?

00:48:07 Dylan: You gotta let the info-smuggling notion go.

00:48:10 Helly: Okay, but how good are the scanners? Like, what if you wrote the letters funky, like one of those robot tests?

00:48:14 Irving: Hi, kids. What’s for dinner? Dylan: Nope!

00:48:16 Helly: How was Wellness?

00:48:18 Irving: Great. Very restorative. I met the O&D department head.

00:48:22 Dylan: Burt? I’ve met that guy. He’s a fuck. You didn’t tell him where we are, did you?

00:48:26 Irving: Burt’s not a fuck. And no.

00:48:28 Dylan: I’m asking for the safety of this department.

00:48:30 Dylan: I don’t need to tell you… Irving: That’s a myth.

00:48:32 Irving: And don’t pretend you care about this department. You just want your waffle party.

00:48:35 Dylan: Beg-fucking-pardon. We’re supposed to like the perks. “And all in Lumon’s care shall revel in the bounty of the incentives spur.”

00:48:42 Irving: Don’t pervert a handbook passage to me, okay?

00:48:45 Irving: Don’t do it. Helly: Hey, guys?

00:48:47 Irving: Lumon has been good to us, and it is feckless to…

00:48:48 Helly: Guys!

00:48:58 Helly: That.

00:49:00 Dylan: Yep.

00:49:02 Helly: Why is… Why is it…

00:49:03 Dylan: You okay. Just fence off the bad data like I showed you.

00:49:06 Irving: Can you see the perimeter?

00:49:17 Dylan: And bin it.

00:49:31 Dylan: Boom. Fucking refined.

00:49:33 Irving: All right, Helly. Hip, hip.

00:49:36 Helly: They were scary. The numbers were scary.

00:49:56 Mark: Here’s the couch. I’ll find you a sleeping bag. And you can use the shower if you want.

00:50:05 Petey: What are you trying to say?

00:50:11 Petey: Thanks for doing this, Mark.

00:50:13 Mark: Well, I, you know, figured my work self would be pissed if I let you sleep in a greenhouse.

00:50:24 Mark: Light’s on the left.

00:50:53 Mark: You okay in there?

00:50:54 Petey: Yeah! Yeah, I’m good.

00:52:09 Mark: Petey, are you okay?